The pressure was on.
I had only a few weeks to find a killer outfit to wear for a wedding. Not just any wedding, but my kid brother’s—who I love dearly.
It was also a destination wedding to be held in the Philippines, the country of my birth.
Relatives that I hadn’t seen in over twenty years would turn up in droves. I braced myself for their endless kisses, embraces and probing questions. Thus, I had that added pressure of appearing like someone who had carved out a better life in their new country.
Now, I’m not really one for ostentation, but I did find a pretty teal green dress which had a smattering of sequins all over it. A formal wedding is a great excuse to go blingy, so I did, even if it cost the earth.
My only regret was that the dress was not more structured. It didn’t have the extra support to pull in my mummy tummy. With the flight looming, even a million sit-ups wasn’t going to flatten my abdominal muscles, no matter how hard I tried.
I felt like quite the fool.
I love food. I love gourmet food. I love food served on lavish occasions like weddings.
I had to give a speech in that glittering dress, which could not disguise my not-so-fit-middle-aged-had-two-kids stomach. The stretchy fabric also accentuated the bloating from ingesting any quantity of food.
I had two mouthfuls of the mushroom and truffle soup and felt like I was floating. It was delightfully earthy, rich, velvety and had just the right amount of truffle to make the entrée sing.
But, alas that’s all I could have—two precious spoonfuls.
Such is the sacrifice one makes for vanity.
I had no intention of delivering my speech with a paunchy stomach (a muffin top). No siree.
Did I indulge in the decadent food afterwards?
Nope.
Countless snap happy photographers and videographers were dutifully capturing candid moments.
I certainly didn’t want any photo evidence of my mediocre physique. In fact, I spent most of the evening sucking my gut in and tensing my abdominals for a more flattering silhouette. *sigh*
My brother’s wedding was one of the finest soirees I’d attended, and I pondered on where I could wear my glittering dress once more.
We all dress well for church, but a sparkly dress is too formal. You could easily be misconstrued as someone who’s a bit stuck up, a tad haughty, even though you’re as bogan as the person sitting next to you.
So, the next time I vacuum my house, I’ll do it in my glittery dress, just to get my money’s worth.
I really should’ve known better.
I had seen footage of an Australian Idol episode in 2003, where one of the contestants, Paulini Curuenavuli wore a shimmering gold dress.
I thought she looked quite curvaceous and womanly, but one judge slammed her for her poor wardrobe choice.
Dicko criticized Paulini after one of her performances in that infamous gold dress stating, “You should choose more appropriate clothes or shed some pounds.”
Speaking about the gibe to Woman’s Day in 2014, Paulini said that Dicko’s comment “affected me a lot”.
“[It] really hurt my confidence. I went back stage and started sobbing.” Bucklow(2017:1)
It should become one of those fashion commandments, “Thou shalt not wear a shiny dress unless thou hast the figure with which to flaunt it.”
But what do you make of a man that wears a shiny dress?
Now, for a quick multiple choice question.
Which King Herod wore a dress made of silver?
- Herod the Great
- Herod Antipas
- Herod Phillip II
- Herod Agrippa I
- Herod Agrippa II
The correct answer is d)
Agrippa lived in the extravagance of court life and was accustomed to living in luxury.
He possessed a kind spirit, gracious manners and brilliant public speaking skills. These strengths contributed to his ability to reconcile the Jews and the Romans.
His close political ties enabled him to obtain the kingdom of his grandfather, Herod the Great.
Agrippa’s natural charisma endeared him to many, which also fed his fondness for popularity.
As a Jew, he was more zealous than devout. To please his own people, he became a persecutor of the Christians, ordering the death of James and the imprisonment of the apostle Peter.
Prior to his unusual death, Agrippa organized a celebration in the city of Caesarea, in honour of the emperor Claudius. On the second day of the festival, early in the morning, Agrippa presented himself to the people dressed in a garment made entirely of silver.
He sat upon his throne and delivered a brilliant speech.
As the sun’s beams touched his dress the effect was awe inspiring. Agrippa was illuminated by the reflection of the sun’s rays.
He bedazzled his audience.
His flatterers cried out, “It is the voice of a god, and not of a man!” to their resplendent king.
And immediately the angel of the Lord struck him down because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten by worms and gave up the ghost.
It is said that Agrippa suffered from intestinal tapeworms. When he was struck down, a cyst burst which contained tapeworm larvae.
According to Josephus, Agrippa’s pain became violent and he took rest in a high chamber. After being worn out by the pain in his belly for five days, he subsequently died.
Agrippa was food for worms prior to his death and after his death.
What may we learn from this King Herod? Acts 12:21-23
His sin was that he did not rebuke nor reject the flattery of the people.
Was he a god? No.
Yet, he didn’t disown the title they had given him.
He took the praises upon himself instead of giving glory to God.
Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
I Cor 10:31
Join me next time for ‘What not to wear Part 2’.
Bibliography
Author unspecified. 2021, ‘Herod Agrippa I’, Encylopaedia Britannica. Retrieved 26 January 2021 from
https://www.britannica.com/biograph/herod-Agrippa-I
Bucklow, A. 2017, ‘ Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickson finally apologises to Paulini for fat shaming her’, News.com. Retrieved 2 February 2021 from
Henry, M. 1961, Commentary on the Whole Bible, Zondervan, Michigan.
Lendering, J. 2000 (Updated 11 October 2020), ‘Herod Agrippa I’, Livius.org. Retrieved 29 January 2021 from
https://www.livius.org/articles/person/herod-agrippa-i/
The Quest Study Bible, 1994, Zondervan Publishing House, Michigan.
Unger, M.F. 1988, The New Unger’s Bible Dictionary, Moody Press, Chicago.
